and time goes on...

Sooooo it's been a while since I've done this. Unfortunately I tend to be sporadic about things like this.

So updates: work is great. I'm getting a lot better at web dev. I'm still single though that is of my own choosing (will go more into that later). My kids are great. But sadly they are gone for a month to their Grammy's house. This makes life very lonely for me.

I just celebrated my birthday. And it was fantastic. It was the first birthday in several years I've been able to enjoy. And thanks to my wonderful friends I did. It all started friday night at the clubhouse and didn't end till I came off the river sunday night. It was insanely good with only one disappointment. I was really hurt that one of my best friends blew off my birthday and wouldn't even answer my phone calls when I tried to call her.

My girls are growing up so fast and I worry I'm losing touch with them sometimes. But so often we still talk a lot and about everything. Maybe it's just the same fear every mother of teenage girls feels. I don't know. All I can do is still try.

And onto my lovelife or lack thereof. I go out and as always I hang out primarily with guys (their style of crazy is overt and pride filled instead of the catty, backhanded pettiness of women). Some of them like me and have indicated a desire to date me in the past. I turned all of them down (not just because I wasn't ready to risk my emotions but also because from what I've seen it's a lot of drama when you date inside your circle of friends) but now I am feeling confused and... I don't know. I'm not willing to put my emotions on the line again and most certainly not willing to risk the emotions of my kids. But at the same time I miss the simple things in life that come in relationships. Someone touching my face and playing with my hair. Quiet nights at home laying against someone who cares while I read or we watch tv. Being out and knowing that I am going home with someone who cares (currently I always drive and NEVER go home with anyone). I've been having dreams about a guy I met once at one of my bestie's wedding. I told Tam about it and she thinks that I'm getting to the point that I might be willing to have a relationship again. I'm not so sure. It just seems impossible to me for me to be willing to put my emotions on the line again and I don't know if I'll ever be trusting enough again to feel comfortable in a relationship. And I believe trust is so important.

I don't know. I guess I just feel stuck or something and I can't talk to anyone really because they always want to hook me up with someone.

Ah well I guess I've rambled enough today.

BG